[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.