‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
New favorite tiktok
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo