I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
just got my engagement photos
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future