I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
they should invent a rest for the wicked
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it