when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.