Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*