By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.