Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl