Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse