you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
6. me as a lawyer
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”