I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Never let them know your next move 😂
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My flabber has been gasted.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.