It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh