I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?