*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
San Francisco has too many rules
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]