Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that