1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Worth the read.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you