Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster