Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Look at this
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute