Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
How dramatic are you?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum