My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off