The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.