Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Scream sneezers need love too.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid