One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?