Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
The pen is writier than the sword.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
✌🏽
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!