FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I want what they have