“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
These are too funny not to post 😂
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them