“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
as is their right
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad