what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.