[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.