Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Why I divorced her.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet