My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
meow
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶