Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.