Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore