“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”