A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.