I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
bugs when you lift up a rock
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.