I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.