HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.