GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock