#Caturday
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
#parenting
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom