Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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Good advice.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I ate everything, including the H.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches