If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
There is wisdom there.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”