I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead