Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I think this cat is broken
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Wise advice
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Good advice.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am