Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
The Onion called it…again.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?