My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?