I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.