At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Forever 21… pounds overweight
my one true gender
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS