The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips