My nickname in high school was “who?”
You Might Also Like
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”